Clerks: Clerk Harder
by Warpedkjh13
Summary: Follows Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. New chapter up now! More chapters coming soon. R&R please!
1. Introduction/Credits

Clerks 2:  
  
Clerk Harder  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Scene One: Dante's Bedroom  
  
(The phone rings. Dante falls from a shelf. Dante picks up the phone.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Hello? No way. It's my day off. (pause) My day off. (pause) But Randal's cousin's comic book store is having a grand opening. Grand opening. I told him I'd meet him there. No. I'm not coming in. Forget it.  
  
(He slams it back down and climbs into his bed. The phone rings again. Dante doesn't answer. It keeps ringing. He picks it up angrily.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Piss off.  
  
VERONICA (on phone)  
  
Dante?  
  
DANTE  
  
Veronica!  
  
VERONICA (on phone)  
  
Yeah, hi. Look, my class is probably going to be running a little late today so-  
  
(There is a beeping noise on the receiver.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Uh, hold on, I think I have another call.  
  
(He presses the button.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Hello?  
  
DOCTOR (on phone)  
  
Hello, Mr. Hicks. I'm Doctor Andrews at the Strawberry Hills Asylum?  
  
DANTE  
  
Yes?  
  
DOCTOR (on phone)  
  
It seems that your girlfriend Caitlin Bree has started to talk rationally, and can feed herself again.  
  
DANTE  
  
Uh, Caitlin's not my girlfriend.  
  
DOCTOR (on phone)  
  
Yeah, whatever. Look, we have some friends and family here, and I was just wondering if you'd come down today to see her. As soon as possible.  
  
DANTE  
  
Uh, okay, Doctor Andrews. Goodbye.  
  
(He goes back to Veronica.)  
  
VERONICA (on phone)  
  
Dante, who was that?  
  
DANTE  
  
That was Randal. He wants to borrow my car. I said no. Anyway, what were you saying?  
  
VERONICA (on phone)  
  
My classes are going to be running a little late today, so I don't think I'll be able to meet you at the comic store.  
  
DANTE  
  
Uh, I probably won't be going anyway. I need sleep. The people next door were playing music really late last night.  
  
VERONICA (on phone)  
  
Oh, well, just make sure you have a big sleep and I'll see you later.  
  
DANTE  
  
Yep, bye.  
  
(He hangs up. It rings again.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Christ, what am I now, an operator?  
  
(He picks it up.)  
  
DANTE  
  
What? (pause) You're firing me?  
  
(Roll opening credits.) 


	2. Caitlin And Alyssa

Caitlin and Alyssa.  
  
Scene Two: Caitlin's Room  
  
(Caitlin is lying in bed. Alyssa Jones is sitting beside her.)  
  
CAITLIN  
  
You went out with Holden McNeil?  
  
ALYSSA  
  
Yeah, we're still friends, though I don't see him much. He's busy making a new comic.  
  
(Dante walks in with flowers.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Hi, Caitlin!  
  
CAITLIN  
  
Oh, hi, Dante.  
  
ALYSSA  
  
Dante Hicks! Long time no see!  
  
DANTE  
  
Alyssa! How is it going? I heard that you dated Holden McNeil.  
  
ALYSSA  
  
Oh, don't get me started.  
  
DANTE  
  
Caitlin, when are you getting out of hospital?  
  
CAITLIN  
  
On Wednesday, they have to do a few more tests.  
  
DANTE  
  
It can't have been that bad, you just had sex with a dead guy in the toilet...  
  
(Caitlin begins screaming uncontrollably.)  
  
ALYSSA  
  
Dante, you can't mention the incident in here or she'll go berserk!  
  
(Doctor Andrews rushes in.)  
  
DOCTOR  
  
What the...  
  
(He looks at Caitlin screaming and then looks at Dante.)  
  
Scene Three: Outside The Asylum  
  
(Dante is thrown out.)  
  
DANTE  
  
Great. She's a nut.  
  
Scene Four: Randal's House  
  
(Dante rings the doorbell. Randal answers in his PJs with a bowl of fruit loops, reminiscent of Brodie.)  
  
RANDAL  
  
Hey Dante.  
  
DANTE  
  
Why aren't you at the video store?  
  
RANDAL  
  
This arrived in the mail.  
  
(He holds up a sheet of paper.)  
  
DANTE  
  
What is this?  
  
RANDAL  
  
A letter signifying that RST Video won't be needing my services anymore?  
  
DANTE  
  
Well, you got a letter. After disagreeing to come in today, I got fired.  
  
RANDAL  
  
Well, you're fucked, aren't you?  
  
DANTE  
  
Yeah. You too.  
  
RANDAL  
  
Not really. I'm going down to Brodie's shop today to get a job at the counter.  
  
DANTE  
  
Mind if I come with?  
  
RANDAL  
  
Sure? I can't clerk without my old monkey pal here, can I?  
  
DANTE  
  
Just get in the car.  
  
RANDAL  
  
Can't I get changed first? 


	3. Brodie

Brodie.  
  
Scene Five: Brodie's Secret Stash  
  
BRODIE  
  
So boys, you got yourselves fired? What do you want me to do about that?  
  
RANDAL  
  
We need jobs.  
  
BRODIE  
  
Well Randal. You didn't exactly leave me well off when I had to sell all my comic books to buy this place!  
  
RANDAL  
  
I told you, I didn't have the money.  
  
BRODIE  
  
Then I spotted a brand new red Ferrari in your driveway.  
  
RANDAL  
  
My parents won the lottery and bought it for them.  
  
BRODIE  
  
Your driveway, not your parents.  
  
RANDAL  
  
Oh.  
  
BRODIE  
  
Randal, I'd usually be happy to give you a job here, but I'm afraid we don't need anyone at the moment.  
  
DANTE  
  
Can I get a word in here?  
  
BRODIE/RANDAL  
  
No!  
  
BRODIE  
  
Now if you don't scamper out of here as fast as your little legs can carry you, I'm gonna take you down like I took Shannon Hamilton down when I learnt he was going to screw my girlfriend in the most uncomfortable place.  
  
DANTE  
  
The back of a volkswagon?  
  
BRODIE  
  
You're lucky I don't just kill you for banning Jay and Silent Bob from the Quick Stop. Especially when Silent Bob didn't really do anything. Bye bye, boys.  
  
Scene Six: Dante's House  
  
DANTE  
  
Well, smart guy, what are we going to do now?  
  
RANDAL  
  
I think I have an idea. Call up our old friend Leonardo Leonardo. 


	4. Dante's Car

Dante's Car  
  
Scene Seven: Dante's Car  
  
DANTE: If you have a big expensive Ferrari, why did you need to borrow my car?  
  
RANDAL: I sold it.  
  
DANTE: You sold a Ferrari?  
  
RANDAL: Yeah.  
  
DANTE: Why did you sell it?  
  
RANDAL: Gas and booze and nudie magazine money.  
  
DANTE: Why would you need gas?  
  
RANDAL: Hmm. I really don't know. So Leonardo invited you down to his building?  
  
DANTE: No, I got an appointment with Plug.  
  
RANDAL: Why? What's Plug gonna do?  
  
DANTE: Randal, if I knew I would have told you.  
  
RANDAL: It's ironic, isn't it? The first time in your life you don't buckle like a belt, you get fired.  
  
DANTE: Yep, that's some terrible irony right there.  
  
RANDAL: Remember what I was talking about yesterday?  
  
DANTE: Yeah, the flying car, right?  
  
RANDAL: Well, I looked it up on the Net and there it was.  
  
DANTE: What?  
  
RANDAL: The design for the flying car. Pretty impressive too, if you ask me.  
  
DANTE: You didn't find the flying car on the internet.  
  
RANDAL: Yes I did.  
  
DANTE: Well, if you did, you wouldn't have looked it up. You'd have forgotten about it about three minutes after we had that conversation.  
  
RANDAL: Okay, you've got me. I didn't look it up.  
  
DANTE: Good.  
  
RANDAL: There was an ad for it in a porno site.  
  
DANTE: Oh, come on!  
  
RANDAL: What? There was. It just popped up over Yang Zshung, the most popular female Asian porn star in the history of man, and said: LOOK AT THIS! THE FLYING CAR!  
  
DANTE: Yeah, right.  
  
RANDAL: No, really. And you know what else I found on that site?  
  
DANTE: I don't want to know.  
  
RANDAL: It turns out that Caitlin's ex Sang isn't all that he seems.  
  
DANTE: Huh?  
  
RANDAL: Sang's not an 'Asian design major at all'! He's a porn star!  
  
DANTE: You're kidding.  
  
RANDAL: Nuh-uh!  
  
DANTE: Won't Caitlin be impressed?  
  
RANDAL: I'm betting she knew.  
  
DANTE: But that would mean…  
  
RANDAL: She's still as slutty as ever.  
  
DANTE: Damn! 


End file.
